All lyrics by Derek Greenberg.

"This epic song explains why Beanpole spends hours each day riding up and down public elevators."

I like to ride in elevators.
I speak to everyone inside.
"Have a nice day!"
They look away,
So it's a lonely ride

Each passenger is a potential friend,
So I treat everyone the same.
I say, "Goodbye!"
They don't reply.
' I hang my head in shame.

I say, "Goodbye!"
They don't reply.
I hang my head in shame.

Why won't they speak to me?
I mean no harm.
Why don't they treat me like they did on the farm?
How I miss all my kin.

Please don't be mean to me.
Hear what I say.
Maybe we share a strand
Of DNA.
Maybe we're cousins or siblings at birth,
Our ancestors scattered all over the earth.

Everyone is all my kin.

Next time you're in an elevator,
(That's how I spend my days and nights)
Say "hi" to all who enter in.
(I like to watch the blinking lights)
Hold out your hand.
This I demand
'Cause you are all my kin.

Hold out your hand.
This I demand
'Cause you are all my kin.

"Theatrical number about a smarmy anthropologist studying a tribe of pygmy hillbillies."

(Villagers:) What about the Babyhead floating in the sky?
We will need umbrellas when he starts to cry.
We are all afraid of him, do you understand?
Our love of Baby Einstein's head
Has spread throughout the land.

(Anthropologist:)
I'm an anthropologist with a PhD.
Other anthropologists want to be like me.
Studying the mountain folk, wearing a disguise.
And when I write my paper I will
Win a Nobel Prize.

(Villagers:)
What about the Babyhead, floating in the sky?
What about the Babyhead, floating in the sky?

The Babyhead is crying
And so our crops are dying.
Don't cry, don't cry.

The Baby wants a sacrifice.
We need a volunteer.
We'll use the anthropologist.
He's quivering with fear.

We'll celebrate with onion dip,
Potato chips and beer.
The Babyhead will smile on us.
Our crops will grow this year.

Our pumpkin crops are growing
And so we must be going.
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye!

"Beanpole auditioned to join Led Zeppelin in 1968. As Jimmy Page recorded the rehearsal to tape, the band (along with Beanpole struggling on guitar) played Black Dog. Needless to say, Beanpole blew the audition. From that moment forth, Led Zeppelin would remain a foursome. And now, for the first time ever, a short segment of this bootleg recording is available for your consideration."

I don't know the lyrics. I can't understand what he's singing.

"Beanpole auditioned to join The Go-Go's in the early 1980's. In lieu of holding a formal audition, The Go-Go's invited Beanpole to join them on stage during a concert given at CBGB in New York. They simply expected him to play at least as well as they could. Witnesses report that a tearful Belinda Carlisle screamed at Beanpole immediately after the show. Apparently, she felt that he had ruined the band's reputation forever. This is a bootleg recording from that disasterous concert."

I don't know the lyrics. I can't understand what she's singing.

"A happy sing-along tune about Disney's ex-CEO Card Walker, featuring a barbershop quartet and a small brass band. Disney-related."

The Disney Corporation was run
By a man named Card Walker.
While attendance fell off at the parks,
He kept golf clubs in his locker.
They were having a financial crises,
But he wouldn't raise ticket prices.
They were losing money like
Water through a sieve.
Despite his inadequacies,
There is nothing I wouldn't give to

Bring back Card Walker.
Bring back Card Walker.
Oh, how I miss you,
With your sideburns and your hairdo.
Bring him back!

When Michael Eisner took control,
The company succeeded.
Card Walker sits at home,
Forgotten and unheeded.
It broke his heart to see
Commercials on TV.
He didn't think
They should advertise.
Well, despite his inadequacies,
I most heartily advise to

Bring back Card Walker.
Bring back Card Walker.
Though the times have passed him by,
I think we oughta try to
Bring him back.

Bring back Card Walker.
Bring back Card Walker.
He didn't understand
How to run Disneyland.
Bring him back!
Bring him back!
Bring him back!

Won't you help me get him back?
Grab his bags and make him pack.
Drop him off at Disneyland
With instructions
To take over
The company.

"He's half-human and half-chicken. Will Chicken Boy survive the machinations of his ravenous hillbilly relatives? Les Claypool played drums and Larry Lalonde played chicken-clucking guitar on this recording."

Chicken Boy has one leg.
Chicken Boy laid an egg.
Chicken Boy has no brain.
Chicken Boy pecks at grain.

Chicken Boy has a beak.
Chicken Boy cannot speak.
Chicken Boy will never talk.
Chicken Boy lets out a squawk.

We're out of food and hungry.
Would anybody care
If Chicken Boy were sacrificed for
Everyone to share?

Run away, Chicken Boy. Run Away.
Run away, Chicken Boy. Run Away.
Run away, Chicken Boy. Run Away.
Run away, Chicken Boy. Run Away.
Run away, Chicken Boy.

"The ghostly spirits of hillbilly children lurk beneath your garden. Can you hear their whispery voices calling out to you from beyond the grave? Larry Lalonde plays sax and lead guitar on this one."

We're the children in your garden.
Underneath the ground we dwell.
Sleeping in our velvet painting
Wrapped inside a wooden shell.

If you dig a little deeper.
There is something you will find.
You will scream and drop your shovel,
Run away and lose your mind.

Don't you know
We're down below
And we will help
Your garden grow.

We like hoecake, sorghum syrup,
Black molasses, Elmer's Glue.
If you sell your velvet Elvis,
That's when we'll come after you.

Don't you know
We're down below
And we will help
Your garden grow.

We're the children in your garden.
We will sing a happy tune.
Playing Ring around the Rosie
Underneath the crescent moon.

Don't you know
We're down below
And we will help
Your garden grow.

"Beanpole sings about his extended family. Some of the lyrics may not be suitable for younger listeners."

These mountain ranges lock us in
So I'm surrounded by my kin.
They tell each other with a grin,
"That's alright, he's my cousin."

A child was born here yesterday.
Recessive genes came out to play.
And all my kinfolk love to say,
"That's alright, he's my cousin"

Cousin Jed, he wets the bed.
I think that something's loose.
And cousin Mud just chews his cud
And spits tobacco juice.

There's cousin Meg who growed a leg
A'comin' out her back.
And cousin Clyde who lived and died
Inside a paper sack.

He's my cousin, she's my cousin.
They grow cheaper by the dozen.
He's my cousin, she's my cousin.
They grow cheaper by the dozen.

We gather at hoedowns.
We meet and we mate.
The family tree is so
Perfectly straight.

That's alright, we're all cousins.
That's alright.

My brother's sister was my bride.
Though she is from my father's side.
So I can also sing with pride,
"That's alright, she's my cousin.
That's alright, that's alright,
She's my cousin."

He's my cousin, she's my cousin.
They grow cheaper by the dozen.
He's my cousin, she's my cousin.
They grow cheaper by the dozen.

"A teenager wanting to shop online without a credit card discovers DoughNET.com. "

Mom and Dad, please sign me up.
I want to shop at DoughNET.

'Cause I really want to shop at DoughNET
And I want to spend my time there too.
I'm waiting for you.

Mom and Dad, please sign me up.
I want to shop at DoughNET.

I tried to shop at ICANBUY.
Their interface was really dry.
It's obvious they didn't try
To make me want to stay.

I tried to shop at Rocketcash.
I think I made their server crash.
I made my mind up in a flash
There is a better way.

I really want to shop at DoughNET.
And I want to spend my time there too.
I'm waiting for you.

Mom and Dad, please sign me up.
I want to shop there now.

DoughNET, I want you.
You're such a beautiful site.
DoughNET, I need you.
That's why I can't sleep at night.
DoughNET, I love you.

I confess; I've been browsing as a guest.
But the time spent exploring you
Has made the whole world feel brand new.

DoughNET, I love you
You're all I want out of life.
DoughNET, my heart belongs to you.

Mom and Dad, please sign me up.
I want to shop at DoughNET.

"An embryo goes to school and is bullied by the bigger kids."

Embryo, embryo embryo,
Embryo, embryo embryo,
Embryo, embryo embryo.

There once was a boy named Kelly
Who had something stuck in his belly.
One thing is for sure
He was born premature.
He looked like a dolphin in jelly.

Embryo, embryo embryo,
Embryo, embryo embryo,
Embryo, embryo embryo.

In school he was lonely and bored.
He never did win an award.
When he sat in the back
He was prone to attack
They yanked his umbilical cord.

Embryo, embryo embryo,
Embryo, embryo embryo,
Embryo, embryo embryo.

The other kids were mean to him.
His pain was very deep.
He went to see the principal
And found him fast asleep.

He took the principal's microphone
To use the school PA.
He yelled these words again and again
Until they took him away:

"Leave me alone!"

"A farmer falls in love with an onion, much to the consternation of his friends and family. This romantic, operatic piece will bring a tear to your eye."

Farmer Brown was in love.
When his parents went home
He put on a rubber glove.

Farmer loved an onion.
Its skin was very clear.
It had so many layers,
He had to shed a tear
Whenever they were touching,
Whenever they were near.

He'd had a great love in the past.
'Twas corn on the cob
And we knew it couldn't last.

Farmer loved an onion.
Its skin was very clear.
It had so many layers,
He had to shed a tear
Whenever they were touching,
Whenever they were near.

His love was very real.
His love had such appeal.
The doctor said that he would heal.
Until then, use some salve.

They went on a date to the fair
He started to flirt with a
Prize-winning Bartlett Pear.

Farmer loved an onion.
Its skin was very clear.
It had so many layers,
He had to shed a tear
Whenever they were touching,
Whenever they were near.

He gave a heart-felt plea,
"Oh, won't you forgive me?"
Then he got down on one knee
And he said, "Let's be wed properly."

Farmer Brown went to town
To buy himself a wedding gown.

Farmer Brown went to town
To buy himself a wedding gown.

He had hopes, as did we
They would raise a family.

"If Disneyland were to add an attraction about extraterrestrial aliens abducting members of a hillbilly family, the ride might sound something like this. Disney-related. "

Grandma's acting very strange.
I think that something's wrong.
Rocking quickly in her chair
And laughing all day long.

Grandma

She was friendly long ago.
She would bake us bread.
Now she wears a colander
Perched upon her head.

Grandma

All my kinfolk came to call.
Filled her cabin wall to wall.
Grandma stood to face the crowd.
She was screaming very loud,

"They came from outer space!
They came from outer space!
They came from outer spaaaaace!"

Grandma says the little men
Visit her at night.
When the glowing orb appears,
She puts up a fight.

Grandma

Now she wears a lock and chain
Wrapped around her robe
And refuses to relax
When they want to probe.

Grandma

Kinfolk gathered to discuss
Why they keep abducting us.
Grandma leaned into my ear
And screamed for everyone to hear,

"They came from outer space!
They came from outer space!
They came from outer spaaaaace!"

Well, here comes Grandma.
(Grandma's gone to outer space.)

"Walt Beanpole's tribute to a Disneyland classic attraction: Country Bear Jamboree. Gone but never, ever forgotten. Yeee Haaaaah! Disney-related. "

I used to be a famous Country Singer
They loved my group throughout the land
Despite our wide appeal
When we played it wasn't real,
'Cause we was just a pre-recorded band.

We lip-synched to an old Country record
Till at one show it started to skip.
The audience didn't mind
But the critics weren't blind.
I'll carry the shame to my crypt.

That year we won a Grammy
There was no place to hide.
Our fame and fortune up and died.

So listen to me all you would-be singers.
There is one thing that I demand.
Be honest when you rock
Or you'll be the laughing stock.
Do not be a pre-recorded band.

Hang down your head Tom Dooley
Bury it in the sand.
Hang down your head Tom Dooley
You're in a pre-recorded band.

You is in a pre-recorded band.

"This song pays homage to the Haunted Mansion. Larry Lalonde of Primus plays banjo. Disney-related. "

His name is Beanpole.
That's Mr. Beanpole to you.
His name is Beanpole.
That's Mr. Beanpole to you.

The ride has stopped, there is foreboding.
Somewhere there's a wheelchair loading.
Half an hour passes by.
Beanpole starts to cry.

Pneumatic rams and pistons hiss.
Something somewhere is amiss.
Hidden cameras see his chair.
Beanpole isn't there!

His name is Beanpole.
That's Mr. Beanpole to you.
His name is Beanpole.
That's Mr. Beanpole to you.

Wandering the grounds at night.
Basking in the purple light.
He collapses in a heap,
Naked and asleep.

He's a victim of his fears.
Trapped inside for seven years.
Someone spotted him one day;
Beanpole ran away!

His name is Beanpole.
That's Mr. Beanpole to you.
His name is Beanpole.
That's Mr. Beanpole to you.

Don't pull down on the handlebars,
I will do it for you.

"A Beanpole classic about a 5 year old computer programming genius who dreams of becoming a ballet dancer."

Integrated circuit child
Wrote the code and then compiled
A million lines without a fuss
Of assembly code and C++.

The Evil Empire is afraid
Of the program he has made.
They want to buy but he won't sell.
He lives inside a UNIX shell.

And when he's feeling lonely
He'll sit and watch TV,
Just programs on art and ballet.
He wants to pirouette someday.

Integrated circuit child,
He wrote the code and then he smiled.

His brain is twice the normal size.
His code is tightly optimized.

He wants to learn to paint and dance.
It's doubtful that he'll get the chance.

Integrated circuit child,
He wrote the code and then he smiled.

"A tribute to the great Judge Wapner of the People's Court. One of the very first Walt Beanpole recordings, it was made in the electronic music lab at UC Davis in 1983."

I want to marry Judge Wapner
Judge Wapner will be my wife
So we can be together
For the rest of my life.

Wapner hallelujah
Wapner hallelujah

Judge Wapner is the greatest man
To ever rule a court.
He's the master of the law
From petty theft to tort.

With wooden eye and thunderous voice
He lets the people know,
The guilty party must pay
Fifteen dollars he doth owe.

I do love Judge Wapner.

"A song about the hard-working, dedicated Merchant Technology team for DoughNET Inc."

Darin - his time and energy we're sharing.
Now, into space we've got him staring.
Go Broker Boy.

Daniel Dae - what if the world were one big DIBS array?
I think you'd try to parse it anyway.
Go Java Boy.

Juliet - I hope this news won't make you too upset,
But Ticketmaster isn't finished yet.
Go WIDL Girl.

Robert Cook - the demo's broken, won't you take a look?
But we can't find him in his office chair.
He's in the forest somewhere
Babbling by a brook.

Will Luo put Janet Reno's face on CDNow.
That was a big improvement anyhow.
Go Proxy Boy.

Derek G. - I think we all know where he'd rather be:
At Disneyland's Country Bear Jamboree.
Go WIDL Boy.
Go WIDL Boy.
Go WIDL Boy.

Terminology:
[Broker - a server-side technology capable of automating e-commerce transactions.]
[DIBS - Dynamic Input Bindings, a custom module for WebMethod's B2B Integration Server that allows real-time parsing of enumerated web form variables into an array]
[WIDL - Web Interface Definition Language, a DTD for translating one XML document into another via the B2B Integration Server.]

"Ditty about a confused duck living at the base of Splash Mountain. Disney-related. "

Poor Mr. Duck
Lives in a lake.
Happy all the time.

Poor Mr. Duck
Made a mistake.
He's in Anaheim.

Floats by a track at the base of a mountain
Made of steel and concrete.

Poor Mr. Duck
Bobs up and down,
Making quacking sounds.

Plastic rabbit sings a song.
Fox and Bear are hiding.
Everybody sings along,
Happy to be riding.

Now we climb a clacking hill;
Keep your hands inside!

Poor Mr. Duck.
He floats away.
Splashing makes him nervous.

Laughing down the waterfall,
They take pictures of us all.
Take your copy home and
Reminisce tomorrow.

"Walt Beanpole recreates the famous show featuring a robotic U.S. American president. Disney-related."

Well, we all went down to Disneyland in 1964.
Fifty thousand people stood in line outside the door
To see the president who got us through the Civil War.
The Mr. Lincoln Show.

Mr. Lincoln
He's winkin' and blinkin'.
What were they thinkin'
When they programmed you?

Mr. Lincoln
He's winkin' and blinkin'
Cause everything he says is always true.

When Lincoln lurched out of his chair
The music track was soaring.
The audience was moved to tears.
They really were adoring.
Until a little boy stood up and said,
"That was BORING!"
The Mr. Lincoln Show.

Mr. Lincoln
He's winkin' and blinkin'.
What were they thinkin'
When they programmed you?

Mr. Lincoln
He's winkin' and blinkin'
'Cause everything he says is always true.

Mr. Lincoln
He's winkin' and blinkin'
At you.

"A song about an obsessed pumpkin farmer."

I have a farm and pumpkins are the crop that I grow.
Don't be alarmed as you wander row after row.
Firm, cold and round.
Sprout like tubers in the ground.
So they grow nice and slow.
Wash your hands, grab a hoe.
Pumpkins are my very best friends.

Put on a green tie matching your pants.
Pumpkins can save you; just give them a chance.
Gather them up and send them away.
Millions of people eat pie every day
Millions of people eat pie every day

I live outdoors so I can see my children expand.
I do the chores - it charges my adrenaline gland.
I shed a tear
when the harvest time is near.
So they grow nice and slow.
Wash your hands, grab a hoe.
Pumpkins make the world go 'round.

Muffins and cheesecake, baked in a pie,
Pumpkins are tasty, just give them a try.
Covered in chocolate, oh what a treat!
Millions of people need something to eat.
People are starving out there on the street.
Children need shoes they can wear on their feet.

And when I'm dead and gone,
My pumpkins will live on in your pie.

"Larry Lalonde played banjo and sax. Sponge Boy is about the floating villain guy in David Lynch's regrettable film version of Dune. Specifically, it's about the scene where the evil Barron grabs another Harkonnen (Rabban) by his meat-stuffed cheeks and demands, "I want you to squeeze!""

Sponge Boy
He is shaped just like an orb.
Sponge Boy
He is happy to absorb.

Sponge Boy
Traveling from coast to coast.
Sponge Boy
He is made from cellulose.

He wants you to squeeze him.
He wants you to please him.
Why won't you give him a squeeze?
I want you to squeeze.

Sponge Boy
He is coming to your town.
Sponge Boy
In his cape and royal crown.

Sponge Boy
He'll come knocking on your door.
Sponge Boy
He just wants to mop your floor.

He wants you to squeeze him.
He wants you to please him.
Why won't you give him a squeeze?
I want you to squeeze.

"The true tale of a developmental psychology experiment that took place in the 1960's. Each trial run involved a 5-8 year old child led into a room filled with toys on one end and a hamster cage on the other. The subject was told to keep an eye on "Fred" (the hamster scampering around the cage) while the scientist stepped out of the room. The scientist was careful to express his deep affection for the hamster, going so far as to suggest that his heart would be broken should anything bad happen to it. With that, the scientist left the room. In each trial run, the subject would dutifully keep an eye on the hamster. As soon as the child was distracted by the sight of the pile of toys, the scientists (watching through a hidden one-way mirror) pushed a button that caused a trapdoor to open beneath Fred, resulting in his mysterious disappearance. When the scientist re-entered the room and asked about Fred's whereabouts, the other scientists eagerly took notes as the child tried to explain what happened. Sure, the experiment was useful. But what of those poor kids who were put through it?"

The child was left to think about
The things the man had said
And so he tried with all his might
To keep his eye on Fred

He stared at Fred for near five hours,
Then turned to rub his eye
When he turned 'round
Fred was gone.
The boy began to cry,

"Where is Fred, is Fred dead?
Where is Fred? He's gone forever.
Where is Fred?"
The mortal dread is on the head
Of the tortured child.

They pulled the child out of the room
In hopes that they would see
The words that they could squeeze from him
Under the third degree.

When the men were through with him
They sent him home to bed.
He cried himself to sleep that night
With one thought in his head,

"Where is Fred, is Fred dead?
Where is Fred? He's gone forever.
Where is Fred?"
The mortal dread is on the head
Of the tortured child.

The scientists were not concerned
About the tortured boy
They now had fifteen pages
Of the data to enjoy.

The child grew up and lived his life
In existential gloom.
And when he died these fatal words
Were carved upon his tomb,

"Where is Fred, is Fred dead?
Where is Fred? He's gone forever.
Where is Fred?"
The mortal dread is on the head
Of the tortured child.